"Dignity" is a seven-letter word for "Take a hint that I am not interested, plus you live 600 miles away, leave me alone."

Sometimes you start to get to know someone (maybe have a few chats with them on gchat, for example) and you decide that person isn't for you in terms of dating. In fact, this happens a lot. No big deal, free country. Most people understand this, get the hint, and everyone moves on. However, some people have no dignity.

Here is an example that is completely fictional and in no way whatsoever comes from personal experience:

Girl meets guy (we will call him Satan) once at a bar and they exchange numbers. Satan looks her up on Facebook. From her Facebook page, he gets her gmail account and gchats her. They have a normal friendly conversation. After this one conversation, Satan begins to send her text message pictures of himself all the time, to which she tells him to keep his glamour shots to himself and begins to think he is a big weirdo.

Let's also mention that Satan does not live in the same city, or even remotely close, but was only visiting when they met, so she thinks that Satan will be easy to drop once he goes back home shortly, so there's really no need to tell him she isn't interested and hurt his feelings. WRONG.

So Satan goes home, and sends her an e-mail about applying for jobs in the town she lives in, to which she says HELL NO and tells him she is dating someone else. Then her birthday comes, and Satan sends her a love fern, that she wanted to throw over the balcony on the patio except her roommate stopped her. At this point she decides enough is enough, and she blocks Satan from all forms of communication.

TWO MONTHS LATER...

Girl signs onto Facebook chat for the first time in 2 months and instantly receives two messages from Satan saying "hey stranger... how have you been?"

HAVE SOME DIGNITY.

TXT MESSAGES 2.0

When we said to be more creative at txting, we DID NOT mean for you to become indecipherable. "whats up nikuface"??? WTF is that supposed to mean? And, that's not better. It still just says "What's up?".

BAD GIFTS TO GIVE TO WOMEN

A BASEBALL CAP -- Nothing says "I was at the sporting good store for myself and decided to get my shopping for you out of the way without putting any thought into it" like a baseball cap!!!! Just TRY to ask us for it back when you start losing your hair. I dare you.

AN ICE SCAPER FOR HER WINDSHIELD -- This gift will turn her heart so cold you might need to keep it for yourself.

A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO RUTH CHRIS. . . FOR YOUR VEGETARIAN GIRLFRIEND. Honestly: do you even know her at all? Give her a gift that shows you know NOTHING about her and you're history, amigo. Don't even count on getting that gift certificate back. She will have already recycled it and personally apologized to the cows on your behalf.

A DVD THAT IS MORE FOR MEN THAN WOMEN -- Do you really think that you're "Legally Blonde" obsessed girlfriend wants to watch Hellboy 2?!

A BOX OF CONDOMS AND LUBE -- You might think this is sexy and giving. We think it is counting your eggs before they hatch. WAY before they hatch.

HERPES -- Please: keep this to yourself.

"It's a slut. . . isn't it?"

David teaches me a valuable lesson:

Me: "What is the opposite of a womanizer? Like, a woman who goes out with a lot of men? It's not a philanderer is it?"
David: "No, that still applies to men, and I think that has to do with people who are married."
Me: "Hmm, so what is it? Manizer just sounds weird."
David: ". . ."
pausepausepause
Me: "It's a slut. . .isn't it?"

MYTHBUSTERS

The lipstick lesbian doesn't exist. STFU about it already.

FIRST DATES THAT HAVE NO CHANCE FOR A SECOND

Some first dates don't always go as planned. Things can go wrong that are beyond your control. We get that. But, there are some first dates that are disasters waiting to happen. And there is no excuse for that. If you want any chance of a second, avoid the following on the first date:

THE WORLD'S LONGEST DATE

Taking a girl to a movie on one of your first dates is risky. Taking her to see the Dark Knight is ridiculous. A first date is for getting to know each other. A woman is trying to find out if you have horrible breath or like to talk about your mother. This cannot be accomplished in a dark, quiet theater. A woman shouldn't have the use the time she spends staring a movie screen to calculate her exit plan, should her date (you) -- the man siting next to her, the one with whom she hasn't shared two words -- turn out to be a psycho. If you smell bad or eat like an animal, your movie date will know. Avoid movies and you'll be able to save that kind of information date number two.

THE ERRAND DATE

NEWSFLASH: A DATE IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR DAILY TASKS.

Asking a girl on a date in an attempt to use her to help you buy IKEA furniture is about as tacky as the poorly made crap itself. No girl wants to spend over an hour comparing prices of swedish beds or dinner plates. If you take a girl on an errand date, the only time you'll ever hear from her again s when she starts talking about what a cheap asshole you are. When your primary motivation for leaving your house is finding the best sale, expect to fly solo for a long time.

Enixine: "This is someone who is manically obsessed with efficiency, which is probably a good example of what first dates shouldn't be."

THE DENNYS DATE

Don't take your date to Dennys. Especially if she doesn't eat meat. If she’s open-minded, she might stay long enough to drink four hot chocolates. If she’s smart, she’ll be out the door faster than you can say "gut-buster." Enjoy that food coma while it lasts, buddy.

BAD PICKUP LINE + BAD DANCER = BAD DATE.

Does this even need an explanation?

6 COMMON SENSE THINGS MEN SHOULD KNOW BUT APPARENTLY DON'T

6.  WE KNOW YOU'RE GAY.  STOP TRYING TO HIDE IT.  

Seriously.  Satin Shirt?  "Fabulous?"  UGG boots for MEN??  Who do you think you're kidding?  Embrace who you are.  We will too.

5.  WEAR YOUR WEDDING RINGS TO BARS.  

Don't text the next day to say "Sorry, I'm married."  Not cool, dude.

4.  IF SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH YOU, DON'T ASSUME IT'S OKAY TO BUST OUT THE LUBE.

This has happened to more than one of us.  On more than one occassion.  Sick.

3. DON'T SAY THIS: "I WISH I WERE THERE TO KISS YOU"

when you are not even remotely close to dating, have only met once (in a group!), have never ever kissed, and have no plans to see each other again.

2.  DON'T TELL A GIRL YOU THINK OF HER LIKE A GUY.

Just trust us on this one.

1.  THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

((Unless it is)). 

MOVE ON, BROTHA!

Why is it that when you break up with a guy, he thinks he can HARASS his way back to your heart? Women eat ice cream, cry, and watch Lifetime. Men lose all control/sanity (assuming they had any to begin with).

Is this how he thinks it will go down?:
Him: "If you don't talk to me I'm going to burn your house down."
Her: "OH! Why didn't you say so earlier? OF COURSE I want to be with you now."

REALITY: DREAM ON, AMIGO!

Whether the method is waging threats, sending copious amounts of e-mails, texts, or facebook messages, etc. they are all pathetic and annoying, not to mention sometimes downright scary and creepy. Although you will achieve your goal of being on her mind, it will be because she and her friends are making fun of you. My advice: MOVE ON, BROTHA!

Your sixth e-mail in 2 days after no reciprocation, which reads, "I'm not sure if you're still ignoring me or just haven't gotten around to responding to me. . . " with the subtext being "so, I'm not sure if you haven't gotten around to responding to me, but i wanted to tell you about something that has nothing to do with anything, all in a pathetic attempt to get your attention" is not endearing, not romantic, not warranted. . . and certainly pathetic.

Breaking up means "I don't want to be with you." It takes ONE person. It doesn't matter that you don't want to break up, she does. GAME OVER.

Trying to argue your way back into a relationship will never work. All you will do is ensure that she will never want to talk to you again. The thought of you will make her want to throw up in her mouth, and your new nickname will become "Psycho."

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Leave your ex alone and let her stew over the fact that you are now single and DTF. Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip," just for a second, just to see how it feels.

NON-STARTER TXT = EPIC FAIL

Text messages are great for flirting.  They're discreet, non-committal, and make your pockets vibrate.

But, text flirting is a craft.  And most of you are bad at it.

"How have you been" or "what are you doing?" in a text is retarded.  Texts are not for conversations.  These are non-starters.  The response to those questions -- "good" or "chillin" -- do not provoke any other sort of response.  The conversation is dead. 

WHAT NOT TO DO: 

him: hey, how've you been?

her: very busy but good.  what have you been up to?

him: looking for a job.  hope you've been well.

Can he read?!  She already answered the question of whether she's been well or not.  She is clearly trying to continue the conversation; and yet, with his non-starter text, the conversation fails.  She didn't respond.

ANOTHER GREAT EXAMPLE: 

him, at 6pm: want to get drinks tonight?

her: nothing

FYI: No girl wants to be a last minute person. get with it.

The point is: Guys need to be MEN.  Be chivalrous.  Take the initiative.  If you want to ask a woman out, fucking ask her out.  Stop with this "how've you been" bullshit.  We're smart enough to know that you're just trying to maintain enough contact so that we don't forget about you.  It's not working. 

Next time you're into someone, try this txt: "Are you busy Thursday?  I'd love to see you." 

ANYTHING ELSE = EPIC FAIL.